Why Do You Have so Many Children? And Other Awkward Questions from Strangers.

While I don't see our family as anything out of the ordinary, I know to many having six children must be mind boggling. But we didn't just wake up one morning to six kids and have to figure out the entire show at once. We added our monkeys to this circus one at a time (mostly) just like other families, and so it's been a gradual juggling act (to continue with the circus metaphors) in order to learn how to manage it all. I have never minded the curious inquiries. I have even found that they often come from those who are considering having more than the average number of children themselves. However, I have also sadly found that many people seem to either have a complaint to register or an axe to grind when they ask questions about our family size, and that comes out in awkward and completely inappropriate questions.

Why Do You Have so Many Children? or No, we aren't Catholic or Mormon.

I'm frequently amazed by some of the questions we get as a larger than average family. Some questions are rarely asked, while having the reputation for being frequent questions. Others that you wouldn't expect seem to come up frequently. For the first time, not too long ago, at the library I was asked were we Catholic or Mormon. I suppose there was a point that everyone assumed that you must have a large family for religious reasons. In today's day and age, I find that people are more likely to assume we are a blended family, and are more shocked by the idea that just the two of us are to blame for all six of them.

We aren't Catholic or Mormon. We're actually Primitive Baptist, but that doesn't have a thing to do with why we have six kids. There is nothing in our religious beliefs that compel us to have more than average or even any children at all. The truth is that the husband and I are both the oldest of four and we liked living in a large family, so we set out to have a large family of our own. We thought we'd have four maybe five children. Obviously the Lord has a since of humor because while I was trying to convince the husband that just one more would be great idea and he was trying to convince me that we were done with four, we found ourselves already pregnant... with twins.

It turns out that we like children, and they are a real blessing in our lives. I'd say who would have thought, but the Lord already said that in the Psalm 127. Oh sure they are a TON of work, and there are of course days that they are a COLOSSIAL annoyance. It is interesting to be an introvert in a family of extroverts. But they really do make our lives better. They force us to grow and be better people and better examples for them. They challenge everything we ever thought we knew and it makes us more humble and more Christ like. They help us find that aspect of fun in our lives that we had forgotten about. They are just fantastic people that make our life richer for having them in it.

Plus, we make cute babies. Who isn't a sucker for a cute baby to hold and love on.

Don't you know what causes that? or Don't you have a tv?

This is a question that horrifies me no matter how many times we get it, and without a doubt this is the question that I get the most often in one of it's many forms. Sometimes it's said with a joking attitude and other times with an attitude of disbelief or even anger. I'm not sure if they are questioning our intelligence, our finances, or something else entirely. But I'm immensely uncomfortable with a question that seems to ask about our personal life in the bedroom.

I'll never understand why others feel the need to comment on family size in a judgmental fashion. I don't go around telling childless couples that they are selfish or those with only a child or two that they are missing out on life by not having more. Of course, I don't think that anyway, because I believe the Good Lord gave each couple the ability to determine what was the right fit for their own families. Also, having experienced child loss ourselves, I also know it isn't always as easy as picking out birthdates and planning out a family.

Why, I wonder though, is our culture so hung up on asking questions to dissect family size? It's one thing to ask friends if they are thinking about having children and another to ask perfect stranger about their bedroom habits. And so, I've quit fussing at the husband for telling rude individuals, "If you like watching tv better, you are doing it wrong."

Better you than me! and Lectures.

I'm most annoyed and most struggle with what to answer when I get "better you than me" comments and lectures. It serves no purpose to educate them, and it isn't very Christlike to snap back a retort. But at the same time I don't want my children to feel that I agree with their words and actions by my silence.

Once it came from a young man who felt the need to explain overpopulation and how I was ruining the world. But "I guess, better you than me," he finished sarcastically because he clearly knew better. The rest of the time it has come from older people, usually women who feel the need to lecture me about how I shouldn't have had so many or fill the need to quiz me about how I can possibly take care of so many. It is always sad to me when women would rather tear down other women than encourage them where they are.

I have heard everything from the older children must be raising the younger (they aren't) to I'm selfish for having more (how does that even make a lick of sense). I've been accused of ruining their lives because I won't be able to pay for all of their colleges or take them to Disney frequently. These observations are often proceeded by better you than me, and followed up by how they were so much wiser, with their decisions. I've yet to decide whether these people are so unhappy with their own lives that they feel the need to become invested in others' lives. Or perhaps, these people are so unsure of their own decisions that they feel attacked by anyone who chooses differently. Or if, they really are naïve enough to believe they are the only ones with the answers to life.

The audacity of thinking that you can armchair quarterback the entire lives of complete strangers is astounding to me. The last thing I want my children to constantly hear in the check out line of the grocery store (why is it always the grocery store) is how strangers think they have no value. What does it do to a child's self worth and self esteem to consistently hear from much of the adult world that children are a bother, that they are worthless, that they are nothing but an annoyance that gets in the way of a real life. What does it tell them that a trip to Disney is worth more than a younger sibling's life. Here I am just trying to pick up 2 more gallons of milk, and you feel the need to postulate that my life would have been so much better if I'd have stopped after my boy and girl?

Rather I want our children to know, that they were earnestly desired, and that they are still wanted. I want them to know that they hold value not because of what they will one day become and do, but because of who they are. I want them to know that whether or not someone will inconvenience you is not a measuring stick for worth. I l want them to know that no matter the emotional, physical, and financial expense that they are worth the cost. Society frequently makes those parenting goals difficult with the messages that we send as individuals in the way we react to the children around us.

Wow Your Hands Are Full. Bless You.

This final comment I get as an insult questioning my sanity, as often as I get it as a compliment or a sympathetic remark. I always choose to ignore the tone and take it as a compliment. After all they are a handful even when I just have one with me. And when they are all together, I have more than a handful. I like to think of it as a compliment, as an inspired wow. I have been blessed with a handful of children, and the joy and chaos everywhere we go is something to be thankful for and celebrate. And so despite the unkind comments, despite the petty lectures, I chose to celebrate this large family that we have. And hope that you will enjoy our circus too, even as you find that we aren't so different. After all, we are just an ordinary family, even if it's on a slightly larger scale than most.