Last week I shared a question that Kathy wrote back in May. "Your big kids are so good with your little ones. How do you balance responsibility with fun, and how do you raise children with such caring attitudes for each other?" I have been mulling over this question for around 2 months now, because I'm not entirely sure how we have managed to raise these kids without completely ruining them. However, I've spent that time really considering what things we have implemented and encouraged to help us bring the best out in the kids and I think I have a few ideas.
The number one reason, we have children who care about one another, as well as others is that the Lord has blessed our efforts in parenting. We aren't super parents, sometimes I'm not sure that we are anything more than just mediocre parents. I often tell the older kids to take the younger ones to give me a break. We frequently fail to look over their chores at night and follow through on poorly done jobs. The truth is that we aren't magical, we just have a good God. I firmly believe that our children are children of God. I have seen evidence of the fruit of the spirit in them from an early age. They already had empathy within them, kindness, caring, compassion, charity. I can't teach those things, the Lord has to provide them. All I can do as their parent is model those traits and show them how to live them out.
Modeling
From the time our oldest was very small, say around 2, we would acknowledge his feelings. When he got hurt I would hold him and kiss it. I would acknowledge that he hurt, while telling him that he was ok, and that it would be fine. When he was happy we'd celebrate with him. I didn't spent lots of time labeling his feelings but we did experience them together. When I was upset or mad or sad I didn't hide my feelings or try to down play them. Over time I think he just saw two adults who also had feelings and who dealt with them. He would see his daddy comfort me when I was sad, and see me push through hard things. Children are so observant in some ways and they absorb the world around them like a sponge. By the time he was three, if I was crying he would climb up in my lap and pat my cheek or my shoulder and give me a hug. By the time he was five he would ask what was wrong. By the time he was eight he would suggest something we could do to feel better. All of these are things he saw me do with him and his father. To this day, he is my most empathetic child, and I suspect most of that is because as the oldest he spent more time paying attention to us as adults rather than just paying attention to other children like his younger siblings did tuning into each other.
It was only natural then that he turned this same caring attitude toward his siblings. I can remember once when Britt was almost 2.5 and Ruth was about 10 months old and she fell trying to stand. He immediately rushed over and told her, "It's ok Roof, it's ok. You can try again, you can do it." He sat there patting her back until she quit fussing and tried to get up again. Each of our children have seen those character traits modeled both by each other and by their parents. But largely I think the desire to connect and show care for each other is something that is already inside of them, and the twins more than the others proved that to me. The twins would reach for one another when the other one was crying even from an early age, and often just touching was enough to reassure them and have them stop crying. They showed concern and affection for each other long before they were walking.
Encouraging
The biggest thing then has been to not discourage this characteristic but to continue to encourage what we want to see in them. I make a point to tell them that I appreciate it when they scoop up a sibling and check on them when they are hurt. I tell them how it disappoints us when they fight with one another. I try to point out that the two year old didn't mean to tear up their headphones they were just trying to put them on and do what the big kids were doing. I try my best to get them to look past the surface and see deeper to the heart of matters and then to put themselves into that position and imagine how they would act and feel. I don't tell them to man up and ignore their feelings. I don't invalidate what they feel. Instead I tell them that sometimes we have to push through difficulties, but it doesn't change that it is hard. I tell them that it's ok to be upset, but that we have to control how we respond, because feeling something isn't an excuse to behave anyway we want. There is no scientific rhyme or reason. No study that I've read. No divine revelation. It's simply how we parent.
Empathy is just another character trait and character development is best learned in action. Most of these traits in our experience are caught, but you can teach about them and encourage them with your words as well as your actions. We read stories for family read aloud that showcase values that we want to see in our family. We prioritize church and the things of God. We talk about life and our world all the time. We haven't solved all the world's problems, but there is no question that they know what we value and expect, and throughout their childhood these things have resounded internally with their own spiritual man.
Time
Perhaps the biggest part of this however is that we homeschool because it means that we spend so much time together. We are with one another every day, all day for good or for ill. Right now as I write this, Rebecca is trying to create something on the loom, while the two twins fiddle with her strings and generally get in the way of her project. She gets impatient with them, but knows she isn't allowed to yell at them. She tries to redirect them calmly, because as she said, "They just want to help me." She can recognize that they are interested in what she is doing and that they want to be with her. And because she doesn't yell at them or treat them poorly, they will still be devoted to her. Likewise because they admire her so much, she will work hard to be patient with them.
Homeschooling means that we see each other at our best and at our worst, and when we mess up and don't respond to each other the way we'd hope we can apologize and try again. Some parents don't think they should ever apologize to their kids, and I disagree. How else will they learn that everyone makes mistakes and how to handle those mistakes if we don't model apologizing and asking for forgiveness? Telling the kids why I handled something poorly, and what I should have done differently helps them to do the same. It also creates empathy because they can see the same interaction from another point of view. Handling disagreements and taking the time to address situations happens daily when you homeschool. It isn't uncommon for me to stop in the middle of class to handle sibling interactions, and I have the flexibility to do that. In some ways, it is the biggest part of their education, to teach them how to interact with each other because that is what will enable them to interact with the public at large. The kids know without a doubt that their schooling is important to us, when I asked them how they know, Ruth replied, "Because you spend so much time preparing our school, and you make sure that we actually do it, and it cost lots of money." However, they also know I'm willing to sacrifice school time to handle issues of character because we often stop to do that. As Rebecca said, "so, it must be really important to you that we grow up to be good people."
Nurture
In conclusion, the only suggestions I can give for raising children who care is to nurture what already exists in your children. You can do this by modeling what you want to see in their lives. This means taking the time to validate what they feel and help guide their reactions. Taking the time to explain why you don't want to see certain behaviors, because of what the heart issues are beyond the surface actions. Being the kind of people that you want your children to be. You can do this by encouraging both with your actions and your words. You can do this best by spending time with them. They can tell what you value by what you prioritize and how much time you devote to it, how you emphasis these things in your family, and what you sacrifice for; so, show them that empathy, kindness, caring, compassion, and charity are important in your family in order to see it grow.
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