If there is any one thing that I think can make or break a large family. If there is any one practice everyone with kids should employ. If there is any one parenting hack out there, I would have to say it is spending one on one time with your kids. It may not be a magic one size fits all solution, but it will cover a multitude of scenarios. Does your child have a disconnect with you? Is there a heart issue that needs addressing as a parent? Do you just want to build on your relationship? Do you need to solve a problem, or hope to prevent some? One on one time does wonders in every case. Do I sound like a used car salesman? Let me share with you why I believe so strongly in this practice and perhaps I'll make a believer out of you as well.
Why Practice One on One Time with Kids
One on one time with your children gives you a chance to enjoy one another. Too often parenting is about telling your children what needs to be done, and following through to see that it is done. Whether it's chores, personal hygiene, homework. Sometime parenting begins to feel like the drudgery of commands for both you and your kids. It's good to be able to come back to a situation where you can just enjoy one another, and remember all the good things about having children. And not children in general but this specific child.
Individual time with your children is an important way to invest in them. It gives your children the ability to connect with you on a personal level. I can't tell you how many good conversations come out of this time we spend together. Sometimes it's a chance for them to bring up something that is bothering them and ask questions. Other times it's a moment where they can share something intimate with you. Everyone use to talk about quality time, but then there was a shift and people emphasized spending more time with your family. I believe in both quality time and quantity time. While we spend much of our time together, much of this time is unintentional time. What do I mean by that? They are doing school work while I sit near by typing a blog. They are watching tv or playing a video game together while I am cleaning the same room. I'm crocheting or drawing while they play a board game. There is a chance for meaningful conversations and family time during those times, but individual time is a way to be intentional about quality time.
10 Minutes of Quality Time further defines the benefits determined through several studies in support of quality time. By spending time with our children individually and having those meaningful interactions we are building their self-confidence and self-esteem, which in turn means that there are less behavioral issues at home and at school because they feel valued and important. By having important conversations and allowing them to see how we handle adult interactions, we are building their emotional and mental health. They see us and very often model their behavior on what they see, so we have a great impact on how they express emotions and how they think. Finally, studies have even shown that quality time impacts a child's physical health, because children with healthy attachments to parents experience obesity less often. I would imagine it also improves stress related health conditions as well.
While quality time can be family time or individual time, I have found that one on one time to be the most impactful. The physical benefits, or at least correlations, were a surprise to me, but I could already see the other impacts in my own household. Times when we let one on one time slide; I have more behavior issues with individual children, between siblings, and disrespect toward us. We see both poor decision making and poor attitudes. But once we get back into the swing of one on one time, we see those occurrences decrease. In our experience, it can even go a long way in restoring eroded relationships.
For a single example of how one on one time can make a difference, I'll share how one of our children a few years back experienced a turn around simply from instituting one on one time in a intentional way. This child and I had reached the point where every interaction over school work was head butting, every discussion seemed to end in an argument, every chore seemed to be a fight. It was to the point that I was ready to put this child into public school just for a break for me, and if I could find a boarding school that sounded even better. We started making a point of once a month having a Momma-child or a Daddy-child day. We also started cuddle nights with all the children at that time. So that each child had one night every week when they could stay up a little longer and talk and cuddle with me. The result was questions from the child about why I never waited to find out what happened before disciplining a behavior. Ouch! That lead to some thoughtful conversations and some parenting changes. The result was questions from me about why certain default responses occurred with simple request. That lead to some thoughtful conversations and some changes on this 8 year old child's part. It didn't take more than a couple of months of this and I began to notice, less hostility toward siblings, compliance with chores, questions rather than defensive fighting over school work, and a better relationship with this child in particular. All they needed was more intentional time with us.
How to Institute One on One Time with Kids
After all of this I hope you can see the vast benefits for both your child and your home life to be had in one on one time. But you may now be asking how in the world around my work schedule, family responsibilities, any duties outside of the home, and hopefully a few minutes of me time each week can I hope to find time for one on one time with each of my kids. I hope I can provide you with a few ideas that might encourage you to begin or inspire you think of your own options.
Cuddle Nights
For me the easiest addition to our routine was cuddle nights, so I'll start here. We decided that each of the four oldest kids get their own cuddle night. Each Monday is Kate's night, Tuesday is Britt's night, Thursday is Rebecca's night, and Friday is Ruth's night. When the twins are older they too will get their own night. (One more reason why we don't need any more kids, ha.) Right now as toddlers they need constant physical and emotional reassurance all day, and still get tucked in personally by both me and Gary each night.
This is a night where at, or shortly before, bedtime I either go and get into their bed with them, or they come and get in bed with me and we talk. Occasionally we have found that they have something on their mind in particular they want to talk about from that day or a question they've been pondering. Sometimes we might watch a little tv together until they get the courage to talk about something. Recently for example, I knew Ruth had some concerns about our upcoming move into a camper, so I flipped on an episode on tv of a fulltime RVer on YouTube, and after a few minutes, and a question toward her, a flood of concerns came out. So we were able to talk about what was bothering her and she felt better afterward. With Britt, I've learned that he often talks more when his hands are occupied. So sometimes after everyone else is in bed, he and I will get on Minecraft on the Switch for half an hour and as he helps me add secret chambers and passages to our family world he'll talk about things that are on his mind. Rebecca's love language is definitely a tie for touch and words of encouragement, and for her she wants to just lay all over me and ask all the questions. Kate wants just fifteen to twenty minutes to either share a secret like ice cream once everyone else is in bed, or cuddle and talk about what she hopes to do the next day. Well, that and ask me to do mental math with her in bed. Hey, we all have our own oddities.
However, you do it, the idea is half an hour or so of uninterrupted time where they are your focus. Sometimes it's deep thoughts, and sometimes it's not. It's nothing forced, just time where they know they have your attention, not what needs to be done, or your phone, or everyone else, just them. Night works best for us, because even though I am tired, the house is still and everyone else that might be distracting is in bed. Similarly, on rare occasions, a child will come up to me during the day, or as soon as they wake up and want to get in my bed with me to talk and cuddle, and in those instances I try to accommodate because it's an immediate need.
Daily Moments
This next example are fleeting moments, and take some intentional looking to make happen. I don't know about you, but for me the days seem to be go, go, go, except for the twins' nap time. Actually, some of that might just be having twins. Sometimes the days feel rapid fire, DEAR time, laundry, reading with Kate, history, lunch, science, clean up, math, planning, bills, etc, etc. Just one after the other with hardly a minute to breathe let alone think. So during the day little cries for attention can so often be missed. I have to intentionally look for those little moments to capitalize on. To give some examples, I asked the kids what their favorite little Momma and me moment during the day is. Kate reported, "I like when you pause to watch part of one of my videos with me." Rebecca liked it when I agree to "quit working and play fishy in the pool with me." Ruth said, "I like when you ask my opinion on art and craft stuff." Britt replied, "I like just doing ordinary stuff together." When I asked them what their favorite ordinary thing to do with Daddy was they all replied wrestling or cooking together or both.
The key here is to not let your to do list get in the way of little moments. I can't always stop what I'm doing to go swimming with Rebecca and Kate, but I can frequently pause for 2 minutes and watch with Kate how someone makes slime or ices a cake on YouTube. Children quickly learn that adults have adult responsibilities that have to be met. We can't live long in a house where no one sweeps the floor or cleans the bathrooms. But it's just as important to show them that there is a time to be productive and time to enjoy your family. That balance seems harder for us moms to find, but if we want our children to be able to balance work and fun one day, they need to see us modeling that now.
Parent and Child Days
We still try once a month, sometimes twice a month to have a Parent and Child Day. This can look like one of three different sorts of days.
First, is a Parent and Child Day where a kid tags along on errands or accompanies Daddy to work. These are the most common days, and Gary utilizes this every week when we go grocery shopping (most often in fact, with the twins or Kate). Sometimes a Britt and Momma Day might actually look like a Momma-and-Britt-with-the-twins-in-tow-Day, but now that our oldest are old enough to be left home alone, and occasionally for short periods to even watch their younger siblings, we can just take one kid along to run errands. They get to sit up front, pick the music on the radio, and talk about anything they want. I rarely try to steer the conversation, and as a rule their Daddy never does. While out we try to also do something a little special like getting a frosty at Wendy's or a special treat at the grocery store. It's time doing needful things, but it's also time together.
Second, is a Parent and Child Day at home. I most commonly utilize these days when a child is needing some extra attention, but we aren't in a position to leave the others at home, or spend any money. This looks different for different children. For Ruth, I might get the boys down for a nap, and send everyone else off to have quiet free time else where in the house, then she and I spend the afternoon together. We might bake brownies. While they cook, we can then work on art projects together at the dining room table. She says her favorite part of these days, "is talking about completely random stuff." We can get in a few hours of focused time, and sometimes when the boys wake up they can be entertained by other siblings and I can still spend more time with her. All the kids have different little projects they like spending time doing with me, when we have these sorts of days. Kate likes going for a walk with her scooter. Rebecca is hoping to learn to crochet next Rebecca and Momma Day. Britt of course is focused on teaching me Minecraft. Hey sometimes, you can even grow to like something that is initially a bore to you, just because someone you love enjoys it.
Third, is the kids favorite, but it's when we go to town specifically for a Parent-Child Day. Most recently Rebecca came to me one afternoon and asked for a Rebecca and Momma Day after Daddy got home. I got to flipping through the calendar and it had been nearly six months since she had a special day out with me. So I called Daddy and asked what he thought the evening would look like. After comparing notes, I offered to take her out for supper, her pick, and then we could go to Michael's or Hobby Lobby and shop for some yarn for the project she wants to try with me. She countered what if we just looked at Michael's or Hobby Lobby and then went to Five Below to buy new headphones for her instead. I agreed. She picked Chinese for supper, so I took her to the buffet, where I don't know how she had a chance to eat around sharing everything on her mind. We then went to Michael's where she picked out some yarn to get next time it goes on sale, but decided first to crochet a smaller project with some of my yarn at home. We then looked around Five Below where she not only found some headphones but picked out new googles for her and her three oldest siblings. She was very happy when we returned home about three and a half hours after we left to share their gifts with them.
These sorts of days have included all sorts activities depending on what your child enjoys doing. We have gone bowling or done putt-putt golf. We have gone shopping or painted pottery together. The kids have even opted for biking or hiking. No matter what your child enjoys doing, finding a way to spend time with them doing something they enjoy and being together brings vast benefits, because it's a way to show them that you love them.
In Conclusion
No matter which of these ways of implementing one on one time works for your family, I would encourage you to make a plan and start it with your children as soon as you are able. It's benefits for both the individual child and your family as a whole have been proven in countless studies, but don't take my word for it, just google and look up some of them. I have found from personal experience it is the single best way to invest in my children and connect with them on a personal level. After all what would the point of having a large family be if you don't love and want to spend time with each person in it.
Comentarios