One question I hear often when people stop to count heads, is "How do I do it all?" I assume they are asking how I juggle the needs of so many. Anyone with even the most laid back and compliant child, knows that children have many needs to be met - physical and emotional. The physical aspect of always running to get things done is exhausting, but all it takes to manage those things is a good game plan. So what I'm sure they really mean is how do I handle the emotional needs of so many people, all of who need Momma.
It seems to hold true in our house that no one can do anything as well as Momma can. I have often disagreed with that premise, but the perception of pretty much everyone here is that Momma is the person to go to. Shockingly enough, even though they all know that their father is the cook in the family, they will even ask me if they can have a snack, what's for supper, and if they merit desert when he is available to answer those questions. So whether or not it is true, Momma is who everyone comes to with any of life's problems, and that is far more exhausting than seeing that everyone's physical needs are met.
Recognize Their Needs
The first step to juggling the needs of many is to be conscientious that they have needs. I know this sounds obvious, but it is far to easy to get in a routine with all that life entails, and coast with your kids. This is especially true if you have children that aren't as vocal about having their needs met. I often remark that plants might fair better at our house if they could actually yell for water. Some of our children are very vocal about their emotional state and even tell us when they need on on one time with us, but some of our children aren't. Of those who aren't some are easier to read based on their actions than the others are. We have one child that plays it so close to the vest, that it takes some serious study to determine when something is bothering them. I, sometimes, have to remind myself that they have more than just the need for food and an education. I have to remind myself to look for what they need beyond the typical love and support we try to provide. I have to determine who needs what when.
One on One Time
After you know which child is in need of a little extra attention, it's time to do something about it. This brings me to my next point, one that I'll talk more about next week, but they need one on one time. This can take various forms, but the key is to spend time with your child, without all their siblings around. Sometimes we make a day or an evening of it, and really do something that child would enjoy, but at other times we just be sure that in the midst of the chaos that large family life often is, that they are seen and heard. Some of our children are more vocal about needing this time, and some of them need more of it. The key is to make sure that everyone gets it regularly.
How You Approach Problems
If you are conscious of each child's needs and spend one on one time with them, you will have done a lot of the work to curb family drama as well as dealing with issues before they become a big deal. The next step then is to make sure they know they are seen and heard as individuals in how you solve the problems that arise. I try my best for example to get to the root of a problem rather than dishing out communal punishment. Punishing everyone when I can't determine who was at fault too often leads to not only poor sibling relationships but resentment toward parents. I don't want them to feel like they are just part of a group, but to know we see them and respect them as individuals. I've also learned that even if everyone needs to be punished for some transgression, frequently the punishments need to vary because kids don't respond the same way or to the same degree to the same consequence. While I'll share at another time how we handle individual punishment, in order for them to feel seen and heard as individuals, you have to do more than just dish out punishment and move on. If that's all I do, they feel misunderstood and persecuted just one of the herd not an real person.
In Conclusion
Juggling the needs of many children, I imagine is not so different from actual juggling. You need a keen eye, quick wits, and the ability to move and adapt. With children that looks like an ability to keenly observe and discern your children's needs. You then need to spend individual time with them, to pour into them as people not just the family. Finally, you need to handle problems with an eye toward personal accountability rather than as a group.
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