Mom to Many: How We Handle Discipline

Discipline. The subject everyone dreads. Wouldn't life be so much better if it wasn't ever needed? Unfortunately if we act like it's never needed we typically end up with some pretty horrible adults with little character development. Today's topic is undoubtedly a difficult one, but one I'm going to be brave enough to address.

What is Discipline?

Way too often we confuse discipline with punishment, and while that is a component to discipline it isn't all that it is. Let's begin by looking at the 1828 Webster Dictionary

DISCIPLINE, v.t.

1. To instruct or educate; to inform the mind; to prepare by instructing in correct principles and habits; as, to discipline youth for a profession, or for future usefulness.

2. To instruct and govern; to teach rules and practice, and accustom to order and subordination; as, to discipline troops or an army.

3. To correct; to chastise; to punish.

4. To execute the laws of the church on offenders, with a view to bring them to repentance and reformation of life.

5. To advance and prepare by instruction.

In raising and disciplining children definitions 1, 3, and 5 seem to have the greatest relevance. The goal is to instruct and educate them, by correcting and punishing as needful to prepare them by our instruction to be able to live life well. To this end, I would look also at what the Bible says about why we are to discipline our children. Two verses in particular come to mind Proverbs 13:24 about why we are to instruct our children, and Hebrews 12:6 about how God instructs us.

He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.

For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.

The common word under consideration is chasteneth. So it is imperative that we know what that means. Strong's Concordance tells us the Hebrew word here for chasteneth is "Muwcar" which means "chastisement reproof, warning or instruction, check, correction, discipline, doctrine, instruction, rebuke." the Greek word in the New Testament is "Paideuo" which means "to train up a child, i.e. educate, or (by implication), discipline (by punishment):--chasten(-ise), instruct, learn, teach." In other words the Lord instructs and disciplines those that he loves, and if we don't hate our children we will do the same by chastening, warning, correcting, disciplining, and instructing our children. Another word I think bears considering is the word rod. Another verse with the very same use of rod is found in Psalm 23:4

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Strong's Concordance gives the Hebrew word for rod as "Shebet" which means in this instance "(literally) a stick (for punishing, writing, fighting, ruling, walking, etc.) or (figuratively) a clan: correction, dart, rod, sceptre, staff, tribe." So there is some way in which this stick is used for correction and punishing to our comfort. But wait you might ask what about Hebrews 12:11.

Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

I believe the second half of the verse answers the question without any help from me. While correction isn't pleasant at all what comes about afterward due to the correction is comforting. So to sum it all up, discipline is practiced by God toward us, and should be practiced by us toward our children because of love. It is a practice of correcting and punishing with the end goal of instruction so that they may have a better life.

How to Approach Discipline

Components of Discipline

Since we have established as our working definition that discipline is a practice of correcting and punishing with the end goal of instruction. We should look at each area to see if our practice lines up with the standard. I have been guilty of skipping right to the punishment and assuming they will just miraculously get the instruction and correct future behavior. That doesn't work.

First we must actually correct our children. That means we have to let them know what they did wrong, and why it was wrong. Whether that's not sweeping the floor correctly and reviewing how to do it, or whether that's stealing something and then lying about it and what to do next time. We then have to expect them to correct the issue that might be re-sweeping the floor in the first instance or coming to the store returning and making amends to the owner and whoever else was lied to. Only then can we punish our children.

Punishment

If you have skipped half the article just to come here and see if I'm going to tell you to spank your children or not. You have missed the entire point, go back and read it from the beginning. And furthermore I'm not going to tell you. Ha, so there. The truth is that different punishments work for different children, and different degrees of punishment are needed for different issues. The criminal justice system doesn't sentence everyone to death regardless of the crime. They also don't let just anyone in work release or community service programs. Pray about it and use discernment in choosing punishments. In our examples above, punishment for poor sweeping may just be the loss of free time having to redo the job, for stealing and lying it may be working off a debt. Sometimes the best punishments arise naturally and are more creative than just blanket grounding, spanking, or time outs. Other times more severe methods may be needed, especially on issues where the same offense is occurring over and over. Again pray about it and use discernment.

What I can give you are some general guidelines more than actual rules in disciplining your children. Don't dish out punishments when you are angry. You will make rash statements and do foolish things that you wouldn't do when you are calm. I'm the world's worst about firing from the hip and then having to go back and fix what I've said or done when I was mad. Learn from my mistakes. Remember the why. You are doing this because you love them and want them to learn something, something that will make their life better. Go ahead and tell them this will be discussed in a little while, that you are angry

Don't discipline them publicly if it can be avoided. I mentioned this a few weeks ago when I discussed Juggling the Needs of Many. Disciplining them in front of others leads mostly to humiliation and resentment. Again I'm not perfect at this, but when we discipline them publicly, they feel the need to down play what they've done, justify themselves, or outright lie, rather than being instructed. And how would we feel if on Sunday morning we are showed up at Church to see the hand of God detailing our sins on the front wall for everyone to see. I suspected we'd be more horrified than humble. I've learned that for correction to occur, which is what I want, punishment can only be handed down when I am calm and after a conversation which is conducted without others present. That's not to say that they always respond "Of course Momma I can see where that was terrible, I'll correct my attitude and actions right away." Ok actually, that's never been the response, but they are more vulnerable and receptive, and we do see improvement over the other method. The Bible tells us in Matthew 18 concerning maters of church discipline to go to the offending party alone first, and I think it's not a bad practice for parents either.

Approach them in love not condescendingly. If they feel misunderstood and persecuted, then rarely is there any remorse or meaningful change on their part. It helps if I ask questions rather than lecture, because lecturing invites them to just tune out. And not questions seeking a particular answer, but questions they are free to answer. Otherwise they will only answer in rote what you expect to hear, yes they were wrong and no they won't do it again, but bury their real feelings and responses. If you don't get to those issues the problem is bound to crop up again, because the root hasn't changed.

Finally deal with discipline issues in a timely fashion. One thing Gary hates is when the kids are told, "Wait till your father gets home." For younger kids they don't remember what they did wrong 6 hours later. For older kids it leaves them in anxiety all day and makes Daddy be the bad guy the second he walks in the door at night. Remember to take the time to calm down and then deal with discipline. There may be times that after you talk with them you need to tell them, I'm going to have to discuss this more with your mother/father when they get home. Let them know when you will be consulting someone, this may be especially necessary for larger offenses or repeat offenders before determining punishment, but don't just let it go indefinitely. For discipline to be effective it should occur speedily.

Follow-Through

Follow through is really two steps: it is being consistent in enforcing the punishment, but it is also final instruction. Consistency is the hardest part about being a parent to me. Because it means you have to bring your "A" game even when you are exhausted, mentally fried, and in all honesty don't really know what you are doing. This is part of the reason you don't want to discipline when you are mad. When your adrenaline is pumping and you say no electronics of any kind for a month. Then you have to uphold that when you come to your senses and realizes that is as much a punishment for you as it is them. Consistency is key, because if you say what you mean and enforce it every time, they will quickly learn that some things aren't worth the punishment. Punishment is merely an external key to prompt them to check their actions themselves. On the other hand if you aren't consistent then they learn that they can push and manipulate, and that especially when you are distracted or tired there won't be consequences for their actions. This is an area that we are always trying to improve in, because it's also the reason why chores at night aren't done to standard the way day time chores are... they know we are tired and might not follow through.

If discipline involves correction and punishment, then the most forgotten step is probably the follow-through instruction. Several years ago, with my littles anytime I had to punish them telling them "You did X. X was wrong because Y. And here is what I expect next time." Then I would punish them. However then I proceeded to stay "unhappy" with them for a time, and remind them of what they had done wrong. I thought this would help it sink in and not happen again. It didn't work that way, all that happened was hurt children who needed reassurance from Momma. It wasn't helpful to waste time acting resentful, trying to guilt them into obedience. Instead some time back, I began adding after I had to punish them, "Momma still loves you" and giving them a hug. It seemed over time to reiterate to them that things were still ok even though they had messed up. They needed to know that Momma wouldn't stay mad forever and that they were still loved in spite of their mistakes.

With my older kids it looks a little different these days. It still involves telling them they are loved and forgiven. It still looks like me working to not show resentment or guilt them into obedience. But it involves conversations where they have to tell me what they should have done differently. They can ask about how to handle situations. I try my best as they are growing up to share with them the whys behind the rules so that they can understand and make better decisions without my correction next time. I want them to know that the rules aren't arbitrary, but that the goal is a better life for them in the future. I'm sure I still lecture too much and listen too little, but I've learned that without this aspect of discipline, I'm setting them up to fail. Whether disciplining them produces the desired change is all on them, but whether or not it is effective and sets them up to change is almost solely on me and how I handle it.

To Wrap it All Up

Discipline is practiced by God toward us, and should be practiced by us toward our children because of love. It is a practice of correcting and punishing with the end goal of instruction so that they may have a better life. It is most effective when we approach it with a calm attitude, in a spirit of love, and handle it privately. Correct the issue before handing down punishment, make it fit the crime and be as responsive to the change you want to see as possible. Then follow up by talking with your children not at them. All because we want to see more than a temporary outer change, but a heart change that will lead to a better life for them as they grow up and leave home.