As a follow up to last week's blog, I've been asked the following question, "I know that me time is important, but how in the world do you find time? What does me time look like when you have so many little children?"
Making Time
If there is anything I can tell you about me time, is that it won't happen unless you purposefully make time. There is always something that needs doing, laundry and house cleaning will always be calling your name. Quiet literally so will the kids, and probably your husband. The sad fact is that nothing seems to work without Momma around. But the truth is we can change that. Part of making time for yourself is going to mean that someone else has to do all the things you are doing for a time. That may mean giving your husband a detailed list of what needs to be done, it might be training your kids to take on a particular chore or two, and it will definitely involve lowering your expectations. We can discuss at another time why it is so ridiculous that women care the brunt of the burden at home, and everyone else seems to use weaponized incompetence to get out of doing their share, but today is just about giving you the tools to make a difference in your stress level right now.
If you are a mom of many who is homeschooling, you quite literally never have a moment to yourself. Currently the twins even follow me to the bathroom, complain when I lock them out, and then run in to fight over who gets to flush the toilet. I am with you when you say that you don't have time to breathe or think, let alone time to take for yourself. There are a few types of me time that we will discuss, and my hope is that one of them will resonate with you so that you can find a way to incorporate it into your life. In the same way that we determine read aloud is important enough to set time aside every afternoon for that sole purpose in our homeschool, we need to say it is important enough for mom to recharge to regularly set aside time for this purpose. After we have made the commitment to ourselves to prioritize taking time, then we must get creative in carving that time out of our days.
What Does it Look Like?
First there are those small moments in the day, that help keep us from loosing our cool. For me that means there are times that I need to send all the kids to separate areas of the house to quietly be elsewhere. The alternative to not taking this me time is screaming like a banshee at my own children who I love, them being afraid and not getting any message other than "Momma is crazy," and me feeling guilty. Sometimes that may last for five minutes sometimes it might take closer to twenty for me to calm down and be the parent I want to be. The trick is what to do about littles. Now that I have older children, I can tell one to take the twins into another room and entertain them for a short period of time. When I didn't have any bigs in our family, I had to be more creative. I would put the little ones in a crib and walk out of the room, they were safe, and I could breath for a minute. When they were older I would tell them to stay in their room and play with their toys. That of course didn't always work, and frequently I had a huge mess to clean up afterward, but sometimes that was the price of getting breathing space.
Next, there is the kind of me time that everyone needs at some point in their day, every day. That looks like multiple things, from actually going through my morning routine instead of running to put out a fire before even getting my teeth brushed. For you that might be forcing yourself to sit down and eat before starting your school day. (I'm guilty of skipping breakfast most days too.) For me that time is mainly after the kids are in bed at night. Lots of people recommend getting more sleep, but for me it is worth it to sacrifice some sleep in order to mentally re-coup from the day. Parenting is exhausting, and parenting as a homeschool mom is even more so, you are on the clock from the time their feet hit the floor until they are finally out for the count, and frequently extra time at both ends of the day. For you this might be early morning before anyone gets up. That hasn't worked for me, it doesn't matter how early I get up (unless it's 4 am) someone is up within 20 minutes of me stirring in the house. It might be that you do like my mom did in the summer: enforce naptime for your younger kids, and reading time for your older kids, so that you have an hour or so during the day. It might be that in the afternoon the kids can play outside for 45 minutes and you get some time then. Or every afternoon, I let the kids all have time on the tv or their devices so that I get a few minutes to myself.
Now, the next aspect of this is that you have to do something that is going to recharge you. It might be scrubbing your grout till it shines makes you feel all happy and glow inside, but I'm willing to bet not. Sometimes I do need to take that down time to do some house cleaning and get on top of chores that have been neglected a few days. Most mom's use those minutes they buy at the expense of electronics or when the kids are distracted to catch up on things around the house. When I do that, it does sometimes pick up my mood because I can't function well in complete chaos (I need organized chaos around here). But the truth is most of the time I am doing some needful chore, some cleaning, some helping a child with you name it, and what I need is a break to remember that I am a person not merely the robotic servant of the household. Only you can determine what will recharge you, but some ideas are reading, crafting, napping, watching a tv show, playing a game on your phone, hanging out with your pet, sitting outside alone in a rocking chair. Whatever it is that helps you recharge, you need to find time for it in your day, every day, as much as it is possible. Doing something creative is mine, so whether I work on something for 20 minutes during the kids nap time, or I pull out everything and work for 2 hours before I'm unwound after they are in bed at night, I try to make time for something creative everyday. If I go several days back to back without finding creative time, I'm depressed and angry. It is something I need to make time for each day.
Now some of you I know are super women, who haven't slept a full night since your kids have been born. I don't have the problem of a poor sleeper, but even more so than most you need some personal time. You cannot be a good mom when you are so sleep deprived that you are on the verge of snapping all day. You may need to call in the in-laws for an afternoon, get a mother's helper one morning a week, have the husband take a night shift (it's ok, he can do this, you work on no sleep every day, he can once a week). However you work it, you have to make some time to take care of yourself, if you don't you are going to be the one laid up sick for a week and then everything really will fall apart, and if you don't end up sick you will at least be wore out and battling bitterness.
Finally, I am a firm believer in once a week or two weeks you need to go somewhere alone. Last year I was at my wits end with the lack of help from my husband, the demanding children, the constant pouring out for ungrateful people. The truth was that I was trying to pour from an empty cup, I hadn't been taking even little bits of time during the day to stay recharged, and my depression and anxiety had taken over. That was when I got some good counsel from a dear pastor friend. He told me to do two things. First, to pick at least one chore and give it to Gary, it was his responsibility now to take care of it and all the mental energy required to get it done. Second, he told me to make a list of what after super chores looked like, since I always handled that, and to plan to leave the house alone for 2 hours, while they had supper and got ready for bed. He said to take a book to read or go walk around one of the lakes near the house, but to not go home until it was their bedtime. He then told me that I needed to do that once or twice a week. I was floored, I couldn't possibly make that happen. I mean I hadn't even been to a doctor's appointment alone in years. But we tried it.
I hate spaghetti, so we never have it. However, one night, they planned spaghetti for supper and I left. When I got home they had all survived, and while I forced myself to not reclean the kitchen, I felt better. Sometimes Gary was home during the day, and I went and ran some errands in town alone, and then walked around Michael's window shopping. I have taken a bag of art supplies and sat in a fast food restaurant to draw after eating alone. I have gone to the library and dosed off while reading. We tried to get me out of the house without the kids once a week, and if I just couldn't leave, I could lock myself in the bathroom, and soak in the tub with my headphones on to drown out the noise. Now, a year later, I'm doing good if I get a chance to leave the house alone every other week or so, but we recognize that I'm a much happier wife and mom and a much more patient mom and teacher when I have time to recharge my batteries, and I guarantee it will help you too.
In Summary
It is hard to be a patient, loving mom, the kind of parent we all want to be when we have nothing left to give. Making time for me time is how you ensure that you have something to give. You may have to get creative in how you get in your me time, and you may have to stretch and find opportunities when you can make time for me time. However, if you are trying to remember who you are other than a mom, you can't recall anything you like to do for fun, and you find yourself irritated at everything, it's a red flag that you need to recharge and change something so that it doesn't get that way again.
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