As you might imagine a big family means "there are a lot of chores" in the sage words of my 6 year old. A reader, recently requested that I write about how we manage chores. Chores, household responsibilities, privileges of family life, assignments, duties, jobs, tasks, no matter what you call them, they are a necessary part of life. And unless you are the only one in your household and doing them all, how to divvy them up is an ongoing debate. We have tried it all: chore charts, rotating responsibilities, set chore time, end of the day tasks, personal jobs. There is so much I could share about chores, that I've decided to break it into two post. First, today I'll share some suggestions on how we have managed chores throughout the years in our home. Secondly, next week, I'll share my tips and tricks for Chores and ADHD Kids: What Works, What Doesn't.
Group your Chores
I go through this process every time we move and around every 6 months to see what needs to change from what we've been doing. First, I would suggest that you break your chores up into groups. I have a list of daily chores, weekly chores, monthly chores and occasional chores. Those lists are going to vary some from person to person. Most of us will agree that cleaning the kitchen won't work as a monthly chore, but some people might differ in how often they vacuum their living room. When I compile this list, I go through each room top to bottom in my mind, sometimes I even walk through a room to jog my memory. If I'm standing in the girls room, I might decide making beds is an every day chore, picking up their room and vacuuming is a once a week chore, cleaning their ceiling fan and dusting are occasional chores. I make three list for every room - daily, weekly, monthly. After I've categorized my chores it's easier to then figure out where to fit them in my days.
Set Aside Chore Time
Secondly, I have learned that if I don't set specific time aside to work on chores there is always something we'd rather be doing. This means in our household we have three blocks of time set aside for chores. We have our morning routine, afternoon chores, and after supper jobs. Before I insisted on these set periods, we frequently dove into school with the house a wreck, wandered into the rest of our day as the kids finished school at staggered times, and then we were spending all evening trying to catch up on the day's work already tired and in bad moods. If you work outside the home or are running a home based business your chore times might look different, if you have all littles or all bigs your chore times might be different. The key isn't to use the same time blocks I have, but to find a time block or two in your day to fit in chores.
Furthermore, aside from these three blocks of time, I have more time in my morning and afternoon where I do additional chores that are weekly, monthly or occasional chores. These I just fit in around what else is going on in my schedule. Is it time to sort through the girls clothes again to see what does or does not fit, maybe I can start with one child while the others are working on math this morning. Maybe I can work with another child in the afternoon when they are done with school and the boys are napping. Maybe it's a job that needs focus and uninterrupted time (like sorting through and reorganizing a closet) so I work on it in the evening after Gary gets home to help with the kids. I don't always know when I will have time and the energy to fit these in, so there is just a list of them in my planner, that I can pull from when I have time and energy.
Delegate
When I look at my list of daily chores, it quickly becomes evident that I cannot possibly do them all so it's time to delegate. I believe that not only can I not run the house alone, but that it isn't good for the kids to grow up without any responsibilities of their own. As such from the time our kids are very young they are expected to help around the house. We start out by encouraging the youngest to be good helpers. The twins are now 2.5 and are responsible to throw away their own diapers and trash, put their clothes in their hamper, and help pick up their toys. With frequent reminders and encouragement they can also help clean up their messes and put their dishes in the sink. By the time they are 4 or 5 we start giving our children small daily and weekly chores to be responsible for. I start out teaching them and doing things like folding towels with them for a long while, before they are expected to do the job on their own. By the time they are 8 to 10 I expect them to be able to learn to do a chore by watching and working with me, with minimal reminders after that. By the time they are 15 I expect that they can be responsible for not only doing chores but remembering to do them, and all the steps involved. This part is a little tricky for us since we have some ADHD kids in the bunch, but we'll discuss that more next week.
When delegating, I always start by giving our youngest their chores first. They just aren't able to do everything that the older kids can manage, so it's best if I'm sure to give them jobs that they can manage first. Next, I try to assign jobs that are only mildly challenging to the littles, but also something that they might enjoy. For example Katherine my 6 year old can easily fold towels and sort recycling, but she doesn't like them, so when it was time to rotate jobs I needed to look for something a little more challenging. For her current after supper chore she is helping give the twin 2.5 year olds a bath and then dressing them in their pajamas. This is mildly challenging for her because it is something new, and she doesn't have any practice dressing squirmy toddlers; however, she loves doing anything with the boys, so it doesn't feel much like a chore for her. For the older kids, I try to rotate the least enjoyable jobs around, while ensuring that they are learning to complete them correctly, not just half way doing a job. This means that even though Rebecca hates washing dishes, she has a turn with it regularly because she needs to become more proficient. It also means that she frequently has to rewash dishes because they aren't done well enough. The last step is that I try to make the children's chores not even, but fair. Britt is 14 so he should be able to do more difficult tasks than the 6 year old, however, I don't want to overburden him with chores so I try to break up the jobs into groups.
Give Us an Example
How does that look then? You might ask. Each morning the kids have their morning routine, jobs that they all have just as being alive and living in our house. These are things like make their bed, get dressed, brush their teeth, and one other chore. Currently for Britt that is feeding the twins, for Ruth and Rebecca that is getting a twin dressed, and for Kate that is helping clean up the kitchen with me in the morning. These are all jobs that I expect to be done after breakfast, before they get on the tv or Nintendo, and must be completed before I am ready to start school with them around 9:30 to 10 am.
In addition to their morning routine, everyone has a weekly chore each afternoon. These I hand out the same way that I mentioned above, deciding on the littles jobs first and picking out jobs that work for each child. These jobs I am in charge of telling them when to knock them out, since we fit their afternoon chores in around their school schedule, so I don't expect them to remember which ones happen on which days. These jobs tend to be more difficult so they keep them for longer, until they learn to be proficient at the task. I also have afternoon jobs that are weekly jobs. On Monday, I wash laundry all day, and then they put up their own laundry in the afternoon. On Tuesdays, I I wash towels and mop while they each clean a bathroom. On Wednesdays, we wash sheets and the girls are responsible for putting them back on their beds, while Britt cleans the laundry room. On Thursdays, Britt mows, Ruth and Rebecca pull weeds, Katherine picks up around the pool and waters plants, while I do bills and budget. On Fridays, Britt weed eats, Ruth and Rebecca weed, and Kate helps me clean the sliding doors. That's not to say that all of these happen every single week, but I bounce between them frequently and help everyone with their jobs at some point throughout the week, and by having them weekly on the schedule they get done fairly frequently.
Right now for our after supper chores, Britt is responsible for clearing off the table and counters, wiping them down, then sweeping, and taking out the trash. Ruth is responsible for loading the dishwasher, washing dishes, and cleaning out the sink. Rebecca is currently on miscellaneous jobs, where after helping Kate with the twins she does a couple of random jobs that I need doing each evening, like picking up the living room and taking out recycling. Katherine after Rebecca runs the water, bathes the boys, and then with some help from Rebecca or Daddy gets the boys into their pajamas and plays with them until bedtime. Their jobs all take about the same amount of time to do correctly if they are diligent, but they require more attention out of the older ones than the younger ones.
Managing Expectations
This brings me to my next point, you need to manage your expectations. If your household is anything like mine, you are probably expecting too much from your children, and they are probably doing far less than they are able. The goal is to find that middle ground. There are days that I have to tell myself it is good enough, because you don't want to continually frustrate them with being unable to meet your expectations. All we do by continually frustrating them, and never letting them feel a sense of accomplishment in their work is provoking our children unto wrath. That is why when they do an excellent job, tell them so. Sometimes I wonder why I should throw everyone else a ticker tape parade for getting a job done and doing it correctly when no one even notices the work I'm doing, but the truth is that everyone wants to be recognized for their labor, and by making a big deal (in sincerity, not sarcasm) I am creating a greater likelihood that the results will be repeated. At the same time, challenge your children. Don't let them get away with half doing a job, especially when you have shown them multiple times. Go behind them and check their work for as long as it is needed, which I guarantee is going to be far longer than you think should be necessary. I have gotten kids up out of bed at 11 at night or ended evening free time and made them redo or finish a job. If I have to do that often enough they start paying better attention, because no one wants to be drug out of bed, or lose out on their free time.
Finally when working with kids, it helps if you do chores with your children. In the afternoons I'm doing my chores right along side them, or I am helping them with their chores. When I do this we all have better attitudes, better compliance, and superior results. In the evenings the kids are expected to do their chores while Daddy relaxes in front of the tv, and I handle desk work. That is when I have to call them back multiple times to finish a job correctly and remind them of things they have forgotten. Working with your kids will get you better results every time. Of course they need to learn to follow through even when you aren't right with them, so there are times to work on those skills as well, but just be aware.
Last of all, you have to make peace with the fact that you as the default parent are probably still going to be doing far more than your fair share of the chores. I'm not saying that you should just accept it as fact and be happy about it. Reworking and adjusting the load, when possible is a good idea. We frequently revisit the distribution of chores in our home. But everyone is happier when I don't allow bitterness about the unequal load to gain a foothold. The debate about how the chores are divvied up is never resolved perfectly, but with a little understanding and a lot of work, you can make it manageable in your home.
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