Last week I answered some questions about How We Manage Chores in our house and what has worked for us over the years. Today we are going to get into the nitty gritty of chore systems and what has worked for my ADHD kids and what doesn't. If you want your kids to take on some of the load so that you can be a more pleasant and present parent, then you need some tools to make it less of a power struggle and more doable.
What is ADHD?
According to Dr. Russell A. Barkley the leading authority on ADHD, at its core ADHD is a hampered ability to process and manage time. In his third edition of the book "Taking Charge of ADHD" he explains it as those
with ADHD have a disturbed ability to manage themselves relative to time itself. They do not use their sense of time to guide their behavior as well as others, and therefore cannot manage themselves relative to time, deadlines, and the future generally as well as others are able to do. ...That is those with ADHD ultimately suffer from an inability to use a sense of time and of the past and future to guide their behavior. What is not developing properly in your child is the capacity to shift from focusing on the here and now to focusing on what is likely to come next in life and the future more generally.
This manifests in countless ways, but for chores and ADHD it means that it's difficult to stay on task in order to complete a chore, it means it's difficult to retain all of the steps necessary to complete a task, and that it's difficult to prioritize tasks. As a result, it tends to take someone with ADHD both more effort and a longer time to complete a job. What then is the solution? For a time it means that as the parent you function as an audible and physical representation of a child's executive functioning. It also means learning to communicate in a way that makes sense to them, this includes in how you assign chores and clue them into carrying them out.
Assigning Chores
Your first priority is to be sure that you have your child's full attention. When the kids are young this may mean, pausing the tv, getting between them and the game, etc. I find even as the kids are older it helps to make sure that my face is level with theirs, so I get down on their level make sure I have eye contact and even turn their face toward mine. Most ADHD kids don't multi-task well, particularly if the two options are something that is a high reward activity such as playing a Nintendo game, versus a low value activity like taking out the garbage. If they aren't completely focused on you when you assign a chore then it's not going to lodge in their brain long enough to be carried out. Britt doesn't intent to not carry out the garbage when I ask, but if I ask when he is entertaining a little brother by holding him and narrating a video game battle, I've set him up to fail in the task I've assigned.
Your second priority as a parent, once you have their full attention, has to be to assign chores in an effective manner. First, you cannot ask your child with ADHD to do something. This is a huge problem area for me. We think we are being polite when we say "can you please pick up your room now?" The truth is that we have just given them an option. One that they are far more likely to say no to than yes. They don't read between the lines, so don't given an option or ask a question. Secondly, It's also about the tone of your voice. When I say "It's time for supper, OK?" my tone of voice says that there is room for discussion. This doesn't mean that you need to scream at them or refuse to entertain questions, but I frequent catch myself, asking them to complete a job, and I have to stop and rephrase my request into a command, "I'm sorry, I wasn't asking. I am informing you that it is time to clean up your room." or "I didn't mean supper was an option right now, come to the table." Don't phrase it as doing you a favor either unless you actually intend for them to have a choice, because that too means that someone can chose or not chose to help you out. They will take you literally at your word and decline, then we get mad that they aren't obeying. So let your commands be commands, and let them actually have options when we ask for favors or questions.
The next priority in assigning chores is to be sure that they understand the chore being assigned. Of course they understand what clean your room means, you might scoff. The truth is they probably don't. If the job isn't specific, they often don't have the executive functioning skills to break it down into it's individual parts, and they may not have the memory to hold onto multiple instructions. Dr. Barkley also asserts that
as children grow up we expect them to be able to do these things [uninteresting school assignments, lengthy household chores, long lectures, reading lengthy uninteresting works, paying attention to explanations of uninteresting subjects, and finishing extended projects] even if they are boring or effortful. The older they become, the more they should be able to do necessary but uninteresting tasks with little or no assistance. Those with ADHD will lag behind others in this ability, perhaps by as much as 30% or more. That means a 10-year-old child with ADHD, for instance, may have the attention span of a 7-year-old-child without ADHD.
Knowing this means as the parent who is filling in and helping them to develop those executive functioning skills that they currently lack, I have to be sure that I'm conveying the information in a method that they can understand. In addition to breaking down a job for them, this means no more than two directions at once, and then asking them to repeat the instructions back to me. Usually if they can repeat back what is expected they understood the assignment, and by repeating the task it resonates in their mind so they are more likely to carry it out.
So if we return to the idea of telling them to clean their room. It has to be broken down into individual jobs - gather all the dirty clothes, carry all the dirty clothes to the laundry room, make up their bed, pick up all their toys, sort toys into their correct homes, put away all papers on their desk, take any dishes to the sink, straighten up bookcases, make sure nothing is left in the floor, take out the trash, vacuum their bedroom floor. If the job isn't broken down into manageable parts then they will do a little bit of everything all at once, and nothing will actually be accomplished. The desk might be clear but everything is now piled haphazardly on the bookcase. There will still be trash in the floor and cups on the bookcase. Toys may get picked up, but all dumped into a basket instead of sorted back into their homes. There are too many ways in which they can fail and we want to set them up for success.
Implementing Chores
When I assign the kid chores, the long term game may be to teach them to do chores so that they can follow through and learn the responsibility needed to live independent lives one day, BUT the short term game is I want the job done and done correctly. Knowing that my ADHD kids are going to struggle in the area of completing a job and having checked off each step, I need to also provide them tools that help them to get the job done. I wouldn't expect someone to mop the house with a toothbrush because that's all they could find, I'd provide a mop, a bucket, and some cleaner. Just as vital I've found for my kids are chore charts or cards. My mother used chore cards for us. Taking an index card and writing down each step of a job such as cleaning the bathroom. She kept it in a caddy where the cleaning supplies were so that whoever's turn it was to clean the bathroom could grab it and go. I use this system for jobs that done sporadically by different children.
Each of our four oldest children have a laminated pouch. It holds two sheets of paper and a dry erase marker. One sheet of paper has our daily schedule on it. This way they know exactly what they should be doing at any given time. The second sheet of paper has every chore they are expected to do over the course of the day, broken down into individual steps. And because our kids frequently lose their chore charts. I have a copy of everyone's on a ring at my desk. As they complete each step they are to take their dry erase marker and check off the individual steps. When their job is complete they are to let me know so that I can follow through with them to check their work. While this hasn't completely eliminated the need for me to walk them through each step, or go "Did you remember x?" It has streamlined what I expect and made it easier for them to complete tasks.
Additionally all of our children work better within a time frame. First, I also have learned that giving them a 5 minute heads up we are about to change course. This does two things. It prepares them to wind down and change tasks. It also, helps them learn to feel the passage of time so that eventually, they are able to wind down and change course on their own. Secondly, Since ADHD kids lack that internal clock, setting an external time limit or asking them to beat the clock does wonders for their focus and follow through on their chores most days. I find that it works better for younger kids than older ones however. Especially if they understand that the job will be considered complete after that amount of time. For my older kids they are more likely to waste 5 minutes and still not have the job completed, so for them they have learned that not completing the job means that they lose out on free time. Some jobs like brushing teeth might mean I have to delay starting school, but for most jobs if they don't complete them in the time allotted they have to go back and finish them not on school time, but on their own.
Finally, since I know that they are externally driven, I do reward them for jobs completed. Sometimes that is just a thank you or a job well done, because everyone wants to know that their work is appreciated, and hearing that makes it more likely that they will see the job through again. I'm not above making a big deal (sincerely, not sarcastically) over completing a job to my standard, rather than cutting corners. While there are some jobs that I tell them they have to do simply because they are a part of this family, other jobs we actually pay them for. The going rate until recently has been a quarter a job, but my older kids have figured out that is a lousy pay rate, so we are going to have to revisit our payment plan, when we are in a position again to pay them for their chores. However, for chores that involve multiple steps and are weekly assignments not daily assignments, I don't mind paying them a little something if they did it to my standard on the first try. It encourages them to look deeper than the surface and to really think about their jobs. It also gives us an opportunity to teach them early on about managing money through giving, savings, and spending. By balancing some jobs for pay and some jobs just because we are able to never develop a mind set that "I only work for external motivation," while finding ways to motivate them until they have developed self-motivation.
Follow Through
So you have figured out how to assign chores to your child in a way they will understand, you've given them the tools to succeed and helped to find ways to motivate them, the final component to being successful with chores is to follow through. We mentioned last week when we discussed chores that you need to manage your own expectations here. They won't be up to your standards initially, but they can often do much better than they demonstrate. So be consistent in what you expect, while not frustrating them on every point. For example, one of Britt's chores is to mow. While I am going to require that he go back over areas that he misses, I'm not going to make a big deal out of having perfectly straight lines or patterns left behind in the yard. I am going to require him to put up the mower and close the shed, I'm not going to make a big deal out of if he swept off the mower. That's something that we can do from time to time. Eventually I will want him to see and do these other things as well, but the truth is that his daddy doesn't even sweep off the mower when he finishes, and we have survived just fine.
Consistency is difficult. I think the most difficult part of parenting in general can be boiled down to consistency. We you are tired from a long day, you still have to get up and go check and see if the chores have been done. You have to be willing for consistency's sake to interrupt them when they are playing well together because they didn't finish up a job. You have to say no more screen time, because chores weren't completed and then deal with the complaining and miserable company of sulky teens. You have to deal with the tantrums when they don't want to stop playing to pick up as small children. The more consistent you are however, the faster these tips and tools will make a difference. I have spent years asking them, where is your chore chart, or what does it say comes next, but over time they are beginning to develop the executive functioning skills of managing their own time and following through on school work and house work.
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