Kathy wrote back in May and asked me "Your big kids are so good with your little ones. How do you balance responsibility with fun, and how do you raise children with such caring attitudes for each other?" I have been mulling over this question for around 2 months now, because they didn't come with a user manual so most of what we've learned has come through trial and error. Balancing responsibility is something that has been a continual tweaking process for us.
After hearing about how we handle chores in our family and how ADHD impacts chore time in our household, you might be under the impression that the kids lives consist of just school and chores. While, some days it does seem that way the truth is that we have learned to balance responsibility with fun. Both by being conscience of the time we spend doing chores and school work, and by keeping their relationships healthy sibling relationships.
Mixing Responsibility with Fun
I'm not above trying to make our responsibilities more enjoyable. The kids love to play real life Among Us, so sometimes, I write up a list of chores for each person, and set them loose around the house. Occasionally, I've even been known to not choose an imposter so that the work gets done. We've also been known to do races, where the first person finished, but with the job done correctly, gets a prize. I'm also down with bribing when necessary. The kids can earn extra time on the electronics by finding extra jobs that need doing and knocking them out. Rebecca frequently makes use of this coming to me to ask for chore ideas or offering to do something as a trade for another 30 mins or an hour on her ipad.
Taking Breaks
Almost every afternoon while the boys are down for a nap, after we have finished our group subjects for the day, I find a way to give the kids a little down time connected with lunch. Often Britt will get on the Nintendo Switch for 20 minutes after inhaling lunch, Ruth will call a friend on her ipad, and Rebecca will watch a show. Just something to give our day a small break. If we don't have a long lunch break, then we make time to hop in the pool toward the end of the school day. Sometimes to take advantage of the nice weather I let the kids call off the rest of school to spend some time outside, and then after supper we finish up whatever work we didn't finish during the day.
Days Off
It's all the rage to recognize when you need a mental health day, but taking a day off when we need a day has been our practice for years. I'm a firm believer that kids learn best when they are excited about learning and interested in learning. Sometimes when we've had too many school days back to back to back without a break learning gets stagnant and it's time to take a break. Sometimes we call off a morning of school and clean the house good then spend the rest of the day doing whatever we want. Other days, we sleep in and just do some light school work in the afternoon or make it a library day. It's about finding balance and not becoming a slave driver to the curriculum and the schedule. I try my best to find days that we aren't already obligated to be out of the house, but if morale among the troops is particularly bad we might cancel plans as well.
Play is the work of children.
Once I read that play is the work of children, and I believe there is some truth to the line. They grow and learn a great deal through play and I try to be sure that they all have some down time, as well as time to be bored. After all some of their greatest fun comes when they dust off their imaginations and lose access to the electronics for an afternoon. While I want them to grow into responsible adults, I also want them to enjoy their childhood. So we try to balance out set chore time and school time with free time. I try to make both chores and school fun when possible, and we take extra breaks when needed.
Sibling Relationships
Finally a big way that we balance responsibilities and fun is by working to keep their relationships with each other healthy sibling relationships not making them function as secondary parents. This means that while they may be expected to entertain a younger sibling for a period of time each day, they are to play together and do things together. Britt is teaching the twins to sword fight with a toy knife he got at the homeschool convention this year while acting out and narrating the Lord of the Ring movie to them. He's also very proud of the fact that the year he got Kate a sword for her birthday, it was her favorite gift. We want them to have those relationships based on playing and bonding together.
Furthermore, we don't place siblings in positions of authority over each other in day to day scenarios. One sibling isn't responsible for over seeing another's school work or chores, that's our job. Additionally, with a few exceptions, they are not to discipline one another, again that's our job. We never want to create a power struggle between them. For one thing they are siblings and should have a sibling bond, for another thing they are not parents and lack the maturity needed to guide each other. It's one thing for them to come to us when they know someone is not obeying or doing something they shouldn't, it's something else entirely for them to enforce those things.
Now, there are times where we leave the house and put the two oldest in charge, in such instances the younger kids know that they are to obey and not argue, and if there is an unfair abuse of power that it will be righted when we get home. There are also instances where a 2 year old might be getting into something dangerous or off limits in that case they have the authority to spat their younger sibling and remove them from danger. For example, if a twin were to slip out the back door by the pool while an older child is taking care of the bunnies. In that situation, they have our full blessing, to order the errant child back into the house and pop a leg if needed be to get compliance, while a sibling fetches an adult for help.
I feel very strongly that our children are a blessing, and that a large family is a blessing to each of the members. But, I also feel that because it is not their choice in any way how many siblings they have, they should never feel responsible for raising their siblings. We joke that for a time they treated Ruth like a second mother, because when Momma wouldn't baby them Ruth would spoil them rotten. And currently the twins are going through a phase where Will wants Kate to do everything for him, and Jon wants Britt to do everything for him. I have no problem with having the kids get cups or change diapers, and of course they spend time entertaining the boys. When we go somewhere, I assign each twin to a sibling to get out of the car and hold their hand in the store to help out. However, those are tasks that I delegate out and they are rotated among the three oldest, they aren't responsibilities that certain children have to meet for other children. It is my responsibility to see that the kids are fed, clothed, safe, and educated, and while I might delegate some of those tasks out as a way of enabling the older children to show more responsibility and earning more privileges, it is always my job to see that the younger children have their needs met. We never want to delegate so many tasks that we create a situation where a younger sibling is dependent on an older sibling though, because the older kids should have the freedom even at 14 and 12 to be children not adults. Not to mention it would be wrong for us to abdicate our responsibility as parents onto our children.
A Balancing Act
Ultimately, it is a balancing act to ensure that we don't overwhelm the kids with responsibilities, and to ensure that their responsibilities are appropriate both for their age level and to protect their relationships with each other. I know, there are times that we err toward too much fun and not enough training. There are other times when we maybe tip the balance too far the other way and ask too much of our older children. There is an understanding that there might be times when Momma and Daddy need more from them than usual, and there are also days to play. Most days fall somewhere in the middle, hanging out with Momma while children are teamed up, enjoying one another as siblings while still helping to look out for the littles in the bunch.
Comments